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Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Do you think if more people bought him Christmas presents, the Devil might be less inclined to be evil? Norris, but only because of the Fist Of Fun sketch with Simon Quinlank tormenting him by phoning him at 3am and asking what is the biggest leaf. Admittedly he is a dreadful man with dreadful opinions, but this isn’t what informs my attitude towards the world’s only known lookalike of that McVitie’s mascot that promised ‘I Won’t Let The Munchers Steal YOUR Jaffa Cakes!

In fact I did try using Emergency Questions on a date myself once, and you can find out what happened below – as this is a collection of highlights from those Twitter Emergency Questions, with new details that wouldn’t fit in the original character limit and links to all kinds of other interesting related bits and pieces. Incidentally there’s lots of sticker collecting-related fun in Looks Unfamiliar with Pete Prodge here. If you had your dream dinner party and you could invite anyone you wanted, living or dead, who would you employ to do the washing up? On Live at the Apollo ,what does it feel like to be standing behind the massive sign with “Live At the Apollo” written on it?He would enjoy fame and hit singles throughout the year – including the splendiferous Whose Law Is It Anyway? If you dropped your phone down the port-o-loo at Glastonbury on the third day, would you retrieve the phone? The second is a weirdly memorable sigh of irritated resignation from John Cleese in the original television version of the Parrot Sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, back in the days when he was hilariously sending up selfish small-minded people who oddly consider themselves intellectually superior to everyone else when every single anecdote they relate seems to prove the exact opposite, rather than making eight million episode documentary series for Channel 4 about how anyone who isn’t a white middle class male is very very mean to them and won’t let them have, say, an eight million episode documentary series for Channel 4. If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?

Lambert Warbeck MP’ showed up in a sketch on a repeat of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and later still when the listings for Lambert Simnel World and The Perkin Warbeck Fair showed up in the Fist Of Fun book (which you can read more about my love of here), particularly the latter concluding with “a lone firework in the shape of Perkin Warbeck’s laughing face”. If you could go into the transportation chamber from The Fly with a living creature of your choice, which creature would you like to be melded with? Is there an author who you would have liked to have heard read their own books on an audiobook from the past, before this technology existed? What is the smallest amount of money you have received in a Christmas card from an elderly relative?It’s also the one that annoying blokes who consider themselves ‘musicians’ will whip out on buses when nobody asked them to and wheeze out some indefinable ‘blues’, which brings us around to its bigger and more complicated rival. It still takes a degree of skill and style to get a good sound out of it though, and if you consider that it’s the harmonica you’ll most normally hear on records by Bob Dylan, The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, and that they weren’t even the most proficient Diatonic players around in the sixties and were doing a million and one other things at the same time, that should give some sense of musical perspective but also prove that you can get a decent tune out of it with minimal effort. Does sex with a robot count as cheating if the robot is an exact copy of your partner in looks and personality? A narrow escape for the Wee Stuart Anderson-faced star of Channel 4’s A Stab In The Dark there as we did just about manage to avert this – though the couple of weeks where there was no option but to resort to Pecorino instead must have had him checking the rear view mirror on a regular basis – but you really would have thought that the “WHATS THE MATTER WITH YER, YER CAN EAT GRAVY AND OLD COPIES OF THE DANDY LIKE YER NANA USED TO HAVE, IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER WHYS IT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU” brigade might have shut their boring unimaginative traps by now. Would you rather have a fold-out table that grew out of your rib cage and which could be put up and down in mere seconds, or a stretchy back skin which could be pulled over your head to act as a makeshift bivouac?

Would you rather be happy, grumpy, sleepy, bashful, sneezy, dopey, or some kind of unspecified doctor? The lips would be autonomous and be able to talk and need feeding and would be furious about being transplanted. With someone who had googled me before the date to make sure I wasn’t a serial killer, discovered what I had written about Jo Cox, and proceeded to regale me with vile Brexity takes on the murder.Ben Evans: Are you proud to be the voice everyone knows on the adverts for Barkleys and Waterstones? The main reason I’m mentioning this here is because whenever I refer to Top Cat as ‘Boss Cat’ even as an obvious joke, I get inundated with replies ‘explaining’ this backstory to me, even on occasions when I have clearly referenced the explanation myself.

The hair would be all the hair that has ever grown out of Jennifer Aniston’s head and body and you wouldn’t be able to trim or shave it off. What was the worst thing that a relative bought you something for Christmas that wasn’t quite what you wanted but you had to pretend to like it anyway?

There’s something indefinably compelling and uplifting about this arguably most bizarre entry in the already famously bizarre universe of football singles. If you could spend Christmas with any celebrity, who would it be and how would you explain to them why you were in their house? If you could burn one building to the ground (without harming anyone or being prosecuted for arson), which edifice would you torch?

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